Allow me to present an e-mail that I typed to my sister most recently:
"As for me, I am doing well. Being here is great. One of the challenges for me is learning to live my life without the audience. (The audience is the group of folks we carry around in our minds, judging us and comparing us to others.)
I can`t say the audience has been a negative thing in my life--if that were the case, I would have thoroughly rid myself of it by now. The truth is that I enjoyed being competitive with the rest of the world or my imagined peers or whatever you want to call it, even as I lamented that I had fallen short of my potential.
I can`t say the audience has been a negative thing in my life--if that were the case, I would have thoroughly rid myself of it by now. The truth is that I enjoyed being competitive with the rest of the world or my imagined peers or whatever you want to call it, even as I lamented that I had fallen short of my potential.
It was an addiction.
I needed to compare myself to my peers and imagine that others are watching and debating my every move. If it weren`t for the audience, I would have no criteria by which to judge myself a success or failure (in various arenas) so I needed the audience--even as much I even complained about it sometimes.
Now, here in Japan, I am rid of the audience on a large level. Of course, the audience remains in my head to a degree, but much of it, simply by way of being in a foreign culture, is removed. I can`t say that I am entirely happy with that. It feels uncomfortable not comparing myself to my peers--even though such comparisons were definitely lowering the quality of my existence.
On a large level, I want to rid myself of the need to compete (compare) with others, but at the same time, I really don`t know how to truly live and feel satisfied without the comparisons and competition.
But I am learning to release the need little by little.
I think we would be so much more satisfied with ourselves if we were not comparing ourselves to others and living with the audience all of the time.
Anyway, that is where I am right now, learning how to maximize the enjoyment of my life and forget about the yin-yang. hahaha!"
Now, here in Japan, I am rid of the audience on a large level. Of course, the audience remains in my head to a degree, but much of it, simply by way of being in a foreign culture, is removed. I can`t say that I am entirely happy with that. It feels uncomfortable not comparing myself to my peers--even though such comparisons were definitely lowering the quality of my existence.
On a large level, I want to rid myself of the need to compete (compare) with others, but at the same time, I really don`t know how to truly live and feel satisfied without the comparisons and competition.
But I am learning to release the need little by little.
I think we would be so much more satisfied with ourselves if we were not comparing ourselves to others and living with the audience all of the time.
Anyway, that is where I am right now, learning how to maximize the enjoyment of my life and forget about the yin-yang. hahaha!"
picture: Me, Nakatsu Japan.
8 comments:
Funny you should mention "competition."
I was talking about it just yesterday.
I always look at "competition" as a way to push me to my max potential. Hopefully a "max" that I will NOT discover so to speak, as I would like to believe I have an unlimited amount of reserve.
The "audience/competition" is helpful in that it enables us not to become complacent. We just have to guard against leting it rule us.
You are a creative and we all at times need that extra "kick" or push. Just let it give you the inertia and force when needed, you will drive and direct it.
E-Pills
P.S. -
Beautiful picture.
E-Pills
More than others, I find myself competing with myself. Does that make any sense? I know that I have gifts, as does everyone, now I'm holding myself more and more responsible to fulfilling those dreams and aspirations. I'm making steady progress and it's weird as I move forward and watch it all unfold. I'm getting closer to my parallel universe!
OH! Please read "The Witch of Portobello" by Paulo Coehlo if you haven't already. I just finished it DMB and it was amazing. I connected so much to this book. One of my favorite books is "The Alchemist" by the same author. Changed my life! I've ready it countless times. Since you and I are more than spiritual (I'll share some info via email) you are going to really learn from this book.
Ciao Bella!
Hey E-Pills!!!!:
I think the way you view competition is healthy--but for me and what I see in so many other women, we'd be best if we just left it alone, in my opinion.
It often plunges us so deep in a world of competition that we easily feel inadequate and cannot find satisfaction within our own lives.
How many women do you know who are NEVER satisfied, for example (in their personal relationships, particularly)? Or who have low self esteem despite being attractive, smart or whatever is seen as desirable?
Felicia:
I also see your view as quite healthy. If anything, I strive to be more inner directed than looking towards competing with things outside myself.
Wow, DMB. I really relate to that post. To me, my most disappointing trait is the need to be found worthy when compared to others. You make me want to examine that need and try to tone it down.
Felicia is right. Paulo Coehlo is wonderful. I made my husband and a bunch of other folks read The Alchemist.
Wow-another great post that speaks to my heart. I’ve struggled with an ‘audience’ for a long time and after the events of the last few days, I’m beginning to see how that audience is taking away from the pleasure and satisfaction from my life. There is a time that you have to stand up and say no more. I’m at that point now and trying to make sure that I’m the only audience that matters.
I agree with you that there is a plus to having an audience, but it is easy to lose sight when your sense of self validation lies outside of yourself.
Hope you are enjoying the buffet. . .Whitney
Tami:
Okay, note to self, pick of Paul Coehlo! Check!
Vakker Kvinne:
"..it is easy to lose sight when your sense of self validation lies outside of yourself."
So true.
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