So in hopping around the Blogosphere, I am seeing a few of my peeps doing a Christmas tag where they each list 12 Christmas memories or anecdotes concerning the holiday. I was tempted to join in only for a second.
Until some Christmas memories emerged that I would rather forget.
My stepfather died on Christmas Eve. It is a shame now, I think that his legacy, at least for me, lies in his being a violent alcoholic who terrorized our family for years. But I suppose that is the way it is. Doesn't take away my love for him. Can't. But in some ways, Death can be a tragic relief even as it remains a loss....
I also remember a Christmas Eve which my mother and I spent riding the bus in the lightly falling snow in Brooklyn. We were going to the hospital to pick up my older sister, who was being released from the psychiatric ward after having attempted suicide. She overdosed on painkillers and when that didn't work, tried to jump out of the sixth floor window of our apartment in the projects.
I have always longed for the holidays in which the shadow of pain and tragedy were not lingering over the heads of those I love.
But, I think the worst thing is to be broken, to give up, to say, "Hapiness is not possible for me. I will simply suffer until God deems enough is enough."
That, even in spite of the not-so-good things that have occurred on Christmas Eve, is the worst thing, in my opinion.
Happy Holidays.
6 comments:
DMB,
First, I'm sorry those things happened in your life.
I lost the core of my family long ago, my parents and both sets of grandparents, so family holidays are just an inconvenience to me now.
I have hope though that one of these Christmases I will have the picture perfect (or imperfect) Christmas.
I hope that you will be content for the holidays. I hope the same for me.
Thanks
Very insightful post.
A lot of food for thought and much, when put in perspective makes you all the more grateful.
Happy Holidays, Lil Sis.
E-Pills
Mes Deux Cents:
I certainly wish with all my heart that you find some pleasure this holiday. If not this one, then next one! May they just get better and better for both of us!
I applaud your sense of Hope, even in the midst of such emptiness (absence of close relatives). You seem far more wise than me, who for so long, didn't really think Hope was an option--in so many things.
E-Pills:
I hope you're having a wonderful holiday!
I was chatting with a friend who lives in the UK and he was saying how hard Christmas is because of tragic memories. I think so many of us have these awful memories at this time of year and society puts this pressure on us to pretend that everyone is happily sitting around the fire cracking walnuts and singing carols. It's just not true.
And you're right, the worst is to be broken, to give up hope.
Liz:
Thanks for that. There is so much pressure on folks to act all jolly and whatever during the holidays. And folks who are not feeling that way often feel worse for it--because they are not living up to such standards of sutomatic jolliness!
I'm sorry you had to endure those terrible events and situations, but your strength and courage are so evident in your words.
Giving up would feel like cheating to me, although there were times in my life when I considered it. I always knew that the sky would be blue with white clouds again, and I didn't want to miss it.
I hope that things are better for your sister now, and that you will be able to make newer, happier memories as the years and all their holidays go by.
Thank you for sharing some beauty from your soul this season. Blessings to you and yours.
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