A lot of times, when I look at my life, I am a little surprised. I don't have much money. I don't have any of the things by which the world would rate me as a 'success'. My childhood was traumatic, for many reasons. I struggled with depression for most of my existence. But things--my life... it's so different now.
Somehow, I've become the girl who has everything.
I don't know how it happened. Really, I don't. I worked on myself, yes. But something met me halfway. God, the universe, I don't want to attach a word to the phenomenon, the experience, the miracle. Grace? No, let's just leave it alone.
The craziest thing is that some people I know look at me with envy. People whom I think ought to know better. When I tell them I know of Pain, they look at me like I'm lying. I can't convince them of my yesterday.
I only know now what I didn't before: That there is Hope. That no matter what you feel or what you are going through, you can get over it. You can transcend it, look at it with different eyes, become so distant from it that it feels like Yesterday happened to someone else.
It's possible, but you can't fake it. You can't pretend to be where you're not.
My grandmother had a very long chat with me one night, not too long ago. Of course, my grandmother has been dead for wow, going on, ten years now. But I digress....
She told me to go through the cemetery. I asked if I could take someone along with me--preferably a big, strong man (I was single then) to make me feel comfortable along the way.
She said no.
I told her I was terrified.
She said go.
When I woke up, I instantly knew that the cemetery was my mind. The deepest darkest feelings that lay in my psyche. I had to be what I truly was-- unevolved and immature and deeply yearning --and not pretend to be the person I wanted to be.
I had to take the time for me, to express myself, to cleanse, to heal.... I needed to siphon the pus that lay beneath my skin, inside the wound.
And what I thought once would kill me (Pain) eventually made it's way on out.
It can happen.
12 comments:
What a GREAT post. Very inspirational.
Like you, I too, have had a traumatic childhood and I am still in the healing process.
But I tell you, I give God all the glory, because he bought me through. I am a stronger person because of my experiences.
One of the things that used to pain me a lot was what people thought of me. I have experienced envy from women who swear I'm conceited and stuck up before even talking to me and getting to know me. If they knew me, I'm far from that...confident and assertive yes, yet I remain humble.
I've learned to stop worrying about what people think and just be myself. I cherish the many positive relationships that I have...and dwell not on the few negative relationships.
I also write poetry to release the spiritual baggage...
Continue with your positive outlook! :-)
Great post.
And you're right...it CAN happen. And it DOES happen. Welcome...glad you made it to, or close to where you WANT/NEED to be.
That was and is amazing. Thank you for making me realize that I have everything that I need. For the past two days I doubted myself but now the doubt is over. I'm back to being fabulous! I really feel you when you talked about "envy", people just think that you came out great! I also don't like it when people say "I live vicariously through you" I want to say to them, "live your own damn life and stop envying mine" Whenever people say this there's an undercurrent of jealousy and "why her and not me" attitude to it. Everything is a process. They have no clue. I choose to dwell in possibility and that's where I'm staying. Love it here!
Thank you, you're amazing.
Felicia
Sage:
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. They are so true.
Dawn:
Ironically, I don't know if I am where I want or need to be.
Hah!
I just know that I was tired of fighting against the tide. I gave up. Some might call it humbling myself or surrendering to God. I don't know.
Felicia:
"I also don't like it when people say 'I live vicariously through you' I want to say to them, 'live your own damn life and stop envying mine'"
Hehe! When people say that I think it is their way of saying, "I'm staying right where I am (even though I complain/lament)because it's where I'm most comfortable.
Hehe. Which is fine. But my thing is "Don't act like you don't have a choice and like I somehow wound up with more options than you. You're choosing this every second, every minute that you stay in it."
Isn't that the beauty of life. Everyday finding ourselves and taking one step closer to fulfilling our intended destiny.
Beautiful and inspirational post as always.
You should try your hand at art journaling. I think you would love it.
That's the beauty of pain. It burnishes us until we shine like gold. It hurts like hell while you are going through the process, but the results are amazing. Take away the pain in your life and you wouldn't be the person you are today.
Congratulations for making it further along the journey!
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and this post really touched my heart. I hope one day I get to the point where I can look back at what has and has not happened in my life, with a sense of gratitude and be pleased about what I see. I often times feel like people look at me and think “damn girl-you’re awesome” although I often times don’t look at myself and think that. Living is difficult-for everyone.
I struggle with being emotionally honest-being true to how I am feeling and what’s going on internally with me. But, how do you know what you truly are? Are you what you feel? That’s the tricky part.
The soothing thing about emotional pain is that the longer you hold on to it, the more it becomes a part of who you are. But it’s not a reassuring, loving kind of soothing-it’s a hateful, spiteful and heart-hardening candy coating.
that was beautiful
Adrianne:
Art journaling? I love art. What does it entail?
Tami:
Thank you Tami, for reminding me of the beauty of pain, of growth... It's rather like childbirth, isn't it? It hurts and it's messy, but the process is neccessary and miraculous!
Vakker Kvinne:
"But, how do you know what you truly are? Are you what you feel?"
Great question. I always find that what I truly am changes over time--and at the same time, I am still the same me I always was.
A great way for me to decide what I want and feel (at the moment)is asking myself:
"What would I be doing right at this very moment if I were the only one on earth and there was nobody watching me?"
Ladonna:
Thanks so much!
Thank you for writing that.
And within seconds you became right on top of my list of favorite people :)-
What a moving and inspirational post. It literally brought me to tears because I've experienced the same things; evny, traumatic childhood, etc. One of these days, I'm going to stop allowing those experiences to have power over me. It's like a wound that heals but leaves behind a scar, mocking you constantly reminding you of why and how it got there. It takes time, and I'm still working on me. Thanks so much for sharing.
Well said.
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