My New Year's Resolution, sort of kinda'...

I have no New Year's Resolutions. Not because I'm so perfect and nothing needs to change. (well, actually ...) But simply because Life moves so fast and when you're truly in the moment, nothing is a conscious act.


You just move, you just do and you don't know why you're doing it anymore. Because you want to? Because you have to? What does it matter? It is simply your life. And you are living.

The present immediately becomes the past. You can't capture and bottle a moment or a feeling anymore than you can stop Time. You have to keep moving, even when you don't want to, even when you don't know where you're going.


Don't get me wrong. I get into my contemplative moods. It's how I get my rocks off. Thinking and analyzing has always made me feel safe and secure. Living in my head has always been an extreme comfort. I always thought, "If I can figure it out, it can't hurt me."






It's been a safety mechanism for me--almost like, "If I'm a good person, good things will happen to me."


But in reality, you can't protect yourself from Life. You can't innoculate yourself from it's unpleasantries. We really are not in the driver's seat when it comes to this life thingie. We are all just passengers. I like to think of myself as a collie, hanging my head out the window, tongue out, catching the whizzing scenery as it goes by.


Just hoping to get a bone at the next rest stop.




Okay, maybe I do have one little itsy bitsy teenie weenie minnie winnie (okay, I'll stop now) resolution...

...to continue to forgive myself for not being perfect. Now that may sound like one big "Duh!" to all y'all. But you have to understand. In a previous life, before these two, I was a Mother Superior or damned near close to it. And although I have fucked up countless number of times in this lifetime--enough to know that I won't be getting the Jesus Christ/Buddha award this time around (ha! shut up!), I am still addicted to being "Good" and "Honorable".




Don't applaud me. It's all connected to the ego.




And worse, I am still wracked with guilt for what I perceive to be my 'failings'.







It's hard to be just a lowly human.