Friday, November 30, 2007

What I Believe


I have a special connection to America. Possibly because this is my third lifetime as an American that I can remember. And yes, I mean lifetimes.

Before this lifetime, I was a young Black girl who lived in Harlem during the earlier part of the 20th century. I died tragically at the age of twelve.

Before that, I was a white woman who lived in the west. I had a daughter. I also died pretty young, at twenty-six, maybe, of illness.

How do I know these things? Or why do I believe these things?

It is something that I can't explain-- except to say that as far as my most previous life (Harlem), I was born remembering it. The lifetime before that (in the west) did not reveal itself to me until I began to meditate in my mid-twenties.

The funny thing is that I remember some people from previous lifetimes who are here now. My mother was my daughter. My nephew was my little brother. I watched my husband as he lay dying of a gunshot wound in a previous life (we were not a couple). My sister was my cousin. And a few others, including my father, step-father and a couple of ex-boyfriends.

And everyone has pretty much the same personality they had then!

I once mentioned my previous life memories to a much-admired relative, who promptly informed me that it was the devil.

So, I don't talk about this much.

But I almost feel a little sorry for people who have closed their minds to such possibilities, people who insist on reducing the beauty and magic of the world to a flat, linear perspective--simply so that that they can understand it.

But how can we ever seek to understand the miracle of Life?
Picture: Sun setting over the lake. Nakatsu, Japan

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Labels


One of the strangest things I think we do to ourselves is defining ourselves.

I am a wife.
I am a father.
I am a teacher.
I am a Macmillan.

It seems we have this instinctive need to belong to something greater than ourselves. A group. A family of some sorts.


There are many people I know who are trapped in feelings of abandonment and loss, not being able to get over the fact that they apparently have no recognizable group. They feel chronically alone.


Getting married for me was very healing because I finally belonged to a group. Being a part of something greater than myself was a great step towards healing the wounds and scratches of my past.


At the same time, I've come to realize that the titles and roles I have prescribed for myself have become, how shall we say, limiting...

Who am I truly? I don't know and at the same time I've always known.

It's time for me to grow...to grow beyond what I have imagined and continue to be more of the me that I know I am. And for that, titles and labels have become obsolete.

I held myself in with too many definitions.


I am lazy.
I am fearful.
I am an extrovert.
I am an introvert.


Bullshit.


What if I don't feel like being a mother today? What if I don't feel like being helpful today? What if I just want to sink back into the cocoon of silence and comfort and protection, in my room? Is that okay if I don't perform my 'duties' for a day?

Have I failed?

I am taking off this heavy coat and letting it fall. Someone else can pick it up and use it if they want to. I don't need the extra weight.

Love!
DMB



Picture: The moon over a field of cherry blossoms. Nakatsu, Japan

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Guilt

I was a vegetarian. For seven years. Did I feel healthier? No, not really. Especially since I basically ate a consistent diet of pizza and broccolli, Haagen Daaz and Entenmann's.

I actually eat a lot healthier now.

Why did I become a vegetarian? For two reasons. One, ironically enough, for health (stop laughing). Two, because I wanted to be a good person.

Well, one day, I got tired of trying to be a good person and just decided to test the winds of Fate with two piece fried chicken meal from Roy Roger's.

It was delicious. And the fires of Hell didn't rise up from beneath the oceans and claim me for their own.

So why did I feel so guilty tonight?

Allow me to introduce you to my friends. I mean, dinner.

They're so cute. And I thought they were dead when I bought them on ice at the supermarket. (My husband's told me that he sees all the seafood move, even as they're within their little styrofoam trays covered with plastic.) I don't know why it was easier to believe that the poor things were already dead when I put them in the pot. But lo and behold, after the water warmed up, they started to move.

And I had to leave the scene of the crime.

Funny, I didn't seem to feel so guilty last year while on vacation in South Korea. Allow me to introduce you to Harry, whom we chose and named ourselves.




And this is Poor Harry afterwards:


It's hard to look apologetic with a full belly.

Funny, the things that we choose to feel guilty about. Some might think it such a silly thing. I mean, after all, animals eat other animals in the animal kingdom, pecking order, yada yada yada. I get it. But the silly little things that we feel guilty about are just as varied as our personalities themselves.

Having said that, I think I will end with a lovely quote by Mae West.

"Do bad or feel guilty. The brain can't do two things at once."

Or something like that.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

The Spirit of X-Mas

Christmas has arrived. Right where it should be. At the mall. In Japan, where less than one percent of the population are Christians.


You got a snowman, you need elves, right? But elves are not a familiar concept here, so the Disney dwarves will just have to do.




Gorgeous. Just looking at it makes me want to spend money. I mean, celebrate the holiday.





Loving the Christmas tree hat...



What you need for Christmas:





The Christmas train, of course!



And don't forget about the Christmas dolphins.


Or the Christmas elephants holding umbrellas. Sort of. I think...





And it just doesn't feel like Christmas without a Christmas bunny and friends!




And last, but not least, the spirit of Christmas, so completely exemplified in this department store advertisement, which is bound to raise stock in Revlon considerably...



Xmas: America's gift to the world.


Friday, November 23, 2007

The Prospect Of Motherhood


I read this post by fellow blogger, Dawn, that spoke to me. It describes an absolutely magical moment between a mother and child.


My strong maternal instincts (I am a teacher by trade) have always been buried by what I saw as a child. The effects of Urban Poverty shaped my view of Motherhood.

I was taught, unwittingly, that children are accidents to be tolerated. The results of unions with men who, for whatever reason, don't stay around. Raising children was portrayed as a burden of sacrifice and deprivation that would only end when the kid hit that magical age of 18 and would suddenly not need anything anymore.


My hardworking and loving mother struggled for many years to better our economic condition. Obtaining a degree and eventually earning a very good salary. But during that process, as I was growing up, I could not help but feel guilty for being a dependent and having needs.

Stories like Dawn's not only inspire me. They heal me.


(Note: That adorable little chunk of caramel and chocolate above is my newest nephew. Was tempted to publish the photo of my brother proudly holding his newborn self and my sister in law just fresh from giving birth, but she probably would have killed me.)

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Changes

My life has changed so much in the past two years. I went from single to married. From America to Japan. Things have moved so fast, I haven't been able to contemplate and analyze every little fragment of my life like I used to.


All of the things that I used to identify myself ... My past hurts... I've forgotten to carry them around with me wherever I go.


Every day is an exercise in letting go.


I love my thirties!!!!!

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Our National Conflict

Yes, we're in Japan. But we happen to have a yen (pardon the pun) for the beauty and grandeur of Chinese art. Particularly Chinese clothing.


I wonder sometimes if folks get offended, thinking we don't know the difference between Japan and China.

I hope not.

Lucky

I have always been lucky when it comes to friends. A sister. A mentor. Once, I remember a rare period where I was missing this in my life and I prayed. Three days later, I met a woman on a Brooklyn street who changed my life.


Every woman who has passed through my life has been a love affair. Sometimes I was good, sometimes I was bad... But all have left their imprint on me.

One of the things I anticipate the most is going back home and having a drink with my friends. They have no idea..... But, even now, in Japan, I am lucky. We come from totally different worlds, but our hearts are connected in an unexplainable kinship.

We can't explain why we have decided to tell each other our secrets. We can't explain why we laugh at the same things... extra hard.


We call each other sister.. Imagine that.. The worst thing about leaving Japan will be leaving her..
There are many gifts to be had in this world.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Public Toilets... Ahhhhh!!!

Someone once told me that the shortest prayer in the world is "F#*k it!". Imagine the changes that can take over your life when you finally say those magic words and decide to live your life for you.

I did and it brought me here. To Japan.... The only place in the world where going to a public toilet is far more pleasant than using your own.

Immaculately clean. Every time. And where else can you get a heated seat? Trust me, once your buns have been warmed like a succulent apple strudel, you can't go back to merely room temperature.

Not to mention the button for a toilet flush sound. When you're in such an uh... vulnerable position... it's refreshing to know you can keep your modesty intact.

And I don't know who doesn't appreciate a warm stream of water that can be aimed at both, um.. holes, to delicately clean and refresh...

(or for you hardcore types, a stronger jet that could, well... Well, let's just say, it feels quite good once you get used to it.)

Hell, you just might want to bring a magazine.